Of Losing Someone

Udic, my brother is the husband of Mariam. The family settled in Canada a couple of years back. Below are some of his mails after Mariam's death.

..The last words my wife told me were , ''I love you daddy''. On the night prior to her seizure ,I kissed her goodnight and then I went home. This would become my last two way interaction with her....she left in silence ...and I was left with that brief memory of her in bed , giving me that trademark smile of her, assuring me that she was OK at the time....had I known that it would be the last moment of us talking , I would have stayed the whole night...had I known....

...They say that God has HIS plan for us...actually for everything.....twelve days into the quagmire of the unknown ,I still am confused, like a newborn trying to learn how to talk and walk at the same time. In between those moments of just being me, come those instances of me being silly, crying and pounding my heart out, remembering the lost times that until recently, become forever lost...I don't have the luxury to make up for the chances I passed up for... thinking that I still have another day...the thought of my missing it actually chokes me into burst of uncontrolled sobs and makes me hate myself...everyday is like a day of re- learning how to live my life. You go to places and spaces in your thoughts would jumpstart a familiar scene that brings back memories of the old times. this is what goes on as I move on....and I am not enjoying it...

...Maybe God thinks I have a big heart that can take whatever thing that comes my way...but doesn't HE think I can only take so much ? I know HE is being fair..HE will just give me what I can bear...

...all throughout the times that we were together, my wife was at her best in showing me what was true, good and beautiful for my part was always reluctant in acknowledging these attributes of her. I was so blind then .Now that she has gone, I keep whispering to her the words ''I Love You '' and feel pain instead of joy. Today, right now, it is best for you say those three words to your loved ones, and mean every word of it..This is LOVE at its best .Love your wife ( husband ) ,your kids. They are the extension of your soul. The wholeness of your being. Don't cultivate anger and hatred in your heart .It spoils the happiness that you deserve to endure. Endure happiness while you can and while you don't count your days like me, live your life today and don't count on tomorrow...it may not come .Be thankful for your health...it's more than your wealth....Lastly , pray for those people like me ,that we may stop counting our days and start living our lives the way it is meant to be....

God bless !

...Last night was one lingering night I will never forget. Two days prior to what transpired in the wee hours of this day, I had an ''encounter'' with fate, not with its cousin, destiny. More weight was added to the load that I so willingly carried this past week. With some comforting words from relatives and friends I hobbled on and made my way to that pass that seemed to get steeper and steeper each day. The training helped a lot you know but sometimes ''funny'' things happen that brings you the'' headache ''instead of laughter. When the time came and ''TAPS'' was sounded, I was dumbfounded in anguish and mental pain. The room looked spacious with just myself my two kids and my wife who has held on 'till today. And when the last breath was gasped, we wailed and cried in chorus. I had only myself to comfort myself and when that was done I went on to comfort my son and daughter whose loss was so great When everything was all done, I called on the ""A'' team and swiftly, all the three of them came. Upon learning my yoke, they all chip in to chop-up my load. I got back on track and from there on, I had a smoother ride and I started to feel alright. Before the day was over, everything turned crisp and a bit bright....I am still sad because of my loss but I am glad that I have the ''A'' team and all of you who never hesitate to give me your helping hand.

I would like to thank Wilbur Burgonio,Jim Estacio and Ping Layos for being with me so quickly when my cry for help was sounded. am Dorris Gudani for your words of comfort and the ''pep'' talk. I hope I could regain my footing and fulfill to live the life I want to live...

...I barely made it today, the first day of the ''open time''. Back then when you hear that an ''open time'' is declared it means ''enjoyment''. You are open to a lot of options. You can hug your ''bunks'', get hold of ''Manila Zone', or you could ask somebody to report to you and live up to your being a ''magan''.

My ''open time'' is like suspending time and putting it in slow motion. It is akin to trying to enjoy the snoring of somebody in the same room with you who slept before you did. A time unwanted. It delays your emotion and makes you feel as though everything is fine. You know it's not. From here and there you get to cry before you can even attempt to hide it. Letting go in succession makes you an expert in doing it. The fact that I was conditioned to going to the hospital everyday makes me feel as though this is just a rehearsal and not the ''real mccoy''.There is no better reference to it than a bridge kept open even if no ship is scheduled to pass through it.

If I can have it my way, I don't want this ''open time''. That's 48 hrs wasted. I have wasted so much time before and my having this only increases my asking myself the so many ''what ifs'' that could have made things happen differently. I can't help but go back in time sometimes. I know this is not healthy but it's one exercise that uplifts my sense of duty.

The three days after Sunday are my three dreaded days. From the time our life changed five or so years ago, I'd been thinking of when these days will come. Now that it is just one breath away, actually one ''open time'' of a day, I don't know if I should walk or just dash. I'll be more than glad if somebody could please show me the way.....

..remembering...that's all i can do now..this simple exercise often times becomes complicated..it hardens the self..but softens the soul..it confuses the mind...bends the spirit...days on ends, all i do is remember and it makes me cry a lot..

...i remember the first time i met my wife..the trademark smile...the nice looking legs she has..it was a battalion ''hop'' and we danced the night away...

...i remember the endless trips she took on weekends, from manila to baguio and back..the moments we shared were brief...it's time to go again..

...i remember the day we got married...she cried at night and i wasn't even able to say goodnight..it was april 13....labelled ''secret''..and then our first child was born,followed by the second four years after...my endless coming and going...in those endless trips, i often asked God when we will live together....

....i remember the time it was answered...I have no job,no house..very dependent on my in-laws for practically everything and in a very different environment and setting..

...i remember the four years that we lived happily...i got two jobs at first...and then we got our own place...it's like heaven..the feeling that is...

...i remember the time i came to know about that thing on my wife...it's like a big bang,,,but instead of going away,it stayed...and when it did, half of me refused to live..there was anxiety and fear..

...and very recently...i remember everything..everyday....it is very sad to feel rich in love when you can't extend that love anymore..when all you can do is wish..and long for that chance you know you will never have...you crave ...you yearn..and when you can do no more ...you cry..and when you feel really bad about crying,you only have yourself to comfort yourself....and when it stopped, you thought you are okay...a lie broken the very next day...and then you wonder and asks yourself...when will it stop ? i am already tired and weak inside...i don't want to remember anymore... i know that there would be endless days all i would be doing would be just remembering...everything ..again..