Roy's Funnies
Corporate Lessons
Lesson Number One:
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing
all day.
A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do
nothing all day long?"
The crow answered: "Sure, why not."
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a
sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the Story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you
must be sitting very, very high up.
Lesson Number Two
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I
would love to be able to get to the
top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the
energy."
Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull.
"They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him
enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after
eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fortnight, there he was, proudly perched at the top of the
tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out
of the tree.
Moral of the Story:
Bullshit might get you to the
top, but it won't keep you there.
Lesson Number Three
When the body was first made, all the parts
wanted to be Boss.
The brain said, "I should be Boss because I control the whole body's
responses and functions."
The feet said, "We should be Boss as we carry the brain about and get him
to where he wants to go."
The hands said, "We should be the Boss because we do all the work and
earn all the money."
And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs and the
eyes until finally the asshole spoke up.
All the parts laughed at the idea of the asshole being the
Boss. So the asshole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to
work. Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet
twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered.
Eventually they all decided that the asshole should be the Boss, so the motion
was passed.
All the other parts did all the work while the Boss just sat and passed out
shit!
Moral of the Story:
You don't need brains to be a
Boss - any asshole will do.
Lesson Number Four:
A little bird was flying south for the
winter. It was so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field.
While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped
some dung on it.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how
warm it was.
The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon
began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing
and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and
promptly dug him out
and ate him!
.The morals of this story are:
1) Not everyone who drops shit on
you is your enemy.
2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
3) When you're in deep shit, keep your mouth shut.
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A recent question asked to management trainees:
What sports do you participate in after business hours?
Lower Level Management Responded -------------Bowling
Middle Level Management Responded-------------Tennis
Upper Level Management Responded--------------Golf
Point proved that the higher up the ladder you go the smaller your balls get!
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The lighter side of a Spell Check
At a bus stop.
Two Italian men get on. They sit and engage in animated
conversation.
The lady in front of them tries to ignore their conversation but
can't...especially when she hears one of them say:
"Emma cum first. Den I cum.
Den two asses come together.
I cum once-a-more.
Da two asses, they come together again.
I cum again.
And pee pee twice.
Den I come a one last a time."
The woman rises, righteously indignant. "You foul-mouthed immigrant
swine. In America, we don't talk about our sexual exploits in public!"
The Italian man says, "Hey, whose a talkin' about a sex? I'm a
just a tell a my friend a how to a spell "M i s s i s s i p pi ".
A man was carrying two babies, one in each arm,
while waiting for a train. Along came this woman
seeing the two cute babies started asking the
man, "Aren't they cute, what are their names?"
The man gave the lady an angry look and replied,
"I don't know." The lady asked again,
"Which is the boy and which is the girl?"
The man looking angrier than before replied,
"I don't know." The woman then started to scold
the man, "What kind of a father are you?"
The man replied, "I am not their father, I am
just a condom salesman and these are two
complaints that I am taking back to my company."
Roy Tibayan Oracion
A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab,
and the cab driver won't stop staring at her.
She asks him why is he staring and he
replies, "I have a question to ask you but I
don't want to offend you. She answers,
'My dear son, you cannot offend me.
When you're as old as I am and have
been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance
to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure
that there's nothing you could say or ask that
I would find offensive." "Well, I've always
had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do
about that:
#1, you have to be single and
#2 you must be Catholic.
The cab driver is very excited and says,
"Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!"
The nun says "OK, pull into the next alley."
He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy.
But when they get back on the road,
the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child, said the nun,
why are you crying?"
"Forgive me sister, but I have sinned.
I lied, I must confess, I'm married
and I'm Jewish." The nun says,
"That's OK. My name is Kevin and
I'm on my way to a Halloween party."
Roy Tibayan Oracion
A sixteen year old girl goes to confession.
"Father, I called a man a son-of-a-bitch yesterday."
"Why did you call him a son-of-a-bitch??" the priest asked.
"Because, father, he touched me on my arm without permission"
"Do you mean like this??" He touches her arm.
"Yes father."
"That's no reason for calling him a son-of-a-bitch."
"But father he also touched my breasts."
"You mean like this??" He touches her breasts.
"Yes father."
"That's no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch."
"But father, he took off my clothes."
"Like this??" He takes off her clothes.
"Yes father."
"That's no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch."
"But father he then put his you-know-what in my you-know-where."
"Like this??" He put his you-know-what in her you-know-where.
"Yes father," she says sometime later.
"But that's no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch."
"But father, he has AIDS."
"THAT SON-OF-A-BITCH!!!!!!!!!!!"
Roy Tibayan Oracion