Chito's Funnies
Hey guys, here's our Lesson for the day.
Subject: New meanings for old medical terms
A glossary of Medical Terms, and alternate meanings.
Benign................What you be after you be eight.
Bacteria..............Back door to cafeteria.
Barium................What doctors do when patients die.
Cesarean Section......A neighborhood in Rome.
Catscan...............Searching for kitty.
Cauterize.............Made eye contact with her.
Coma..................A punctuation mark.
Dilate................To live long.
Enema.................Not a friend.
Fester................Quicker than someone else.
Fibula................A small lie.
G.I. Series...........World Series of military baseball.
Hangnail..............What you hang your coat on.
Labor Pain............Getting hurt at work.
Medical Staff.........A Doctor's cane.
Morbid................A higher offer than I bid.
Nitrates..............Cheaper than day rates.
Node..................Was aware of
Outpatient.... .......A person who has fainted.
Pap Smear..... .......A fatherhood test.
Pelvis................Second cousin to Elvis.
Post Operative........A letter carrier.
Recovery Room.........Place to do upholstery.
Rectum................Darn near killed him.
Secretion.............Hiding something.
Seizure...............Roman emperor.
Tablet................A small table.
Terminal Illness......Getting sick at the Bus
Station
Tumor.................More than one.
Urine.................Opposite of you're out.
Varicose..............Near by/close by.
Vein..................Conceited.
TOP
A newlywed sailor was informed
by the Navy that he was going to be stationed a long way from home on a remote
island in the Indian Ocean for two years. A few weeks after he got there he began to miss his new wife
quite badly so he decided to write her a letter. "My darling," he wrote "It looks like we're
going to be apart for a very long time. Already
I'm starting to miss you and there's really not much to do here in the evenings.
Besides that, we're constantly surrounded by young attractive native girls. Do
you think if I had a hobby of some kind I would not be so tempted?" So his wife sent him back a harmonica saying, "Why don't
you learn to play this?" Eventually
his tour of duty came to an end and he rushed back to his wife. "Darling,"
he said, "I can't wait to get you into bed so that we can make passionate
love!" "First... let's see you play that harmonica!"
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A couple came upon a wishing
well. The husband leaned over, made
a wish and threw in a penny. The wife decided to make a wish, too. But
she leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The husband was
stunned for a while but then smiled and said, "It really works!"
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A man said his credit card was
stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than
his wife did.
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NEWLYWED: Do you want dinner?
SPOUSE: Sure, what are my
choices?
NEWLYWED: Yes and no.
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A couple were in bed after celebrating their golden anniversary. The wife said, "Darling, embrace me the way you used to when we first got married." He did. "Now kiss me the way you used to...... Now darling bite me the way you used to....." At this point the husband got out of bed and the wife said, "Where are you going, dear?" "To get my teeth," the husband replied.
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During
their silver anniversary, a wife reminded her husband, "Do you remember
when you proposed to me, I was so overwhelmed that I didn't talk for an
hour?" The hubby replied: "Yes, honey, that was the happiest hour of
my life."
When a bachelor marries, his
wife has three qualities - she is an economist in the kitchen, an aristocrat in
the living room and a devil in bed. After
a few years, sure enough the three qualities remain, but not in the same order -
she is an aristocrat in the kitchen, a devil in the living room and an economist
in bed.
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On the first night of their
marriage, the groom told the bride, "Darling, love is blind."
"Yes dear," replied the bride, "but the neighbors are not, so
please close the windows.”
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A couple got married. The
bride being religious, hung a sign on the wall above her bed. The
sign said : "I need thee everyday". A
week later, the groom got a sign made and hung it over his bed. The
sign said "God, give me strength."
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A wife suspected that her
husband was having an affair with the maid.
She thought of a plan to take him by surprise. One
Friday she told the maid to take the day off and that night she went into the
maid's room, switched off all the lights and, in pitch darkness, slipped into
the bed. Sure enough at midnight, there were footsteps and a figure
opened the door and slipped into the maid's bed beside her. After a few passionate kisses, the wife suddenly switched on
the lights and asked, "Surprised?" "I sure am, ma'am!"
stammered the chauffeur.
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A husband and wife were shopping
when the wife said, "Darling, it's my mother's birthday tomorrow. What
shall we buy for her? She would
like something electric." The husband replied, "How about a
chair?"
Two friends met. "You look
sad, Fred, what's the trouble?" asked the first friend. "Domestic
trouble." "But you always bragged that your wife is a pearl." "She
still is. It's the mother-of-pearl
that makes all the trouble.