The jokebook
A man walks into a bar and notices a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. he
goes to her and says, "You know, I would LOVE to kiss your breasts!"
The embarrassed woman says, "My boyfriend is the bouncer here, and if you
don't leave me alone I will go get him!"
"Ok, ok, I will leave you alone.... I am sorry!!"
After a couple of drinks the man walks to her again and said, "You know, I
would LOVE to kiss you on your ass!" The woman said, "My boyfriend is VERY
big and muscular, and if you don't leave me alone I am going to get him!"
"Ok, ok, I am sorry.... It won't happen again!"
A few minutes later, the man is blasted, and tells the woman, "You know, I
would LOVE to fill up your love canal with whiskey and drink every bit of it
out of there!"
"Well..... that does it, I am going to get my boyfriend... Now you are in
trouble!!"
The woman goes to the backroom, and tells her boyfriend, "There is a man out
there who said that he wanted to kiss my breasts!" Her boyfriend stood up,
gave a little grunt, and rolled up his shirt sleeves.
"And, he said that he wanted to bite my butt!!" Her boyfriend unbuttons his
shirt to reveal muscles everywhere, and is clenching his fist and reaching
for his ax handle.
"And.... he said he wanted to fill my love canal up with whiskey and drink
every bit of it out of there!"
The boyfriend takes a deep breath, puts his shirt back on, and sits down and
continues to read his paper.
The woman is shocked, and asks why he is not going out to get the man.
"Well, any man who can drink THAT much whiskey must be one HELLUVA man!"
Two Aliens land in Detroit, next to a Gas station. The Aliens waddle
out of their ship and look around. The first thing they see that
resembles a being is the Gas pump. The two Aliens approach. The first
one says "Earthling take me to your leader!"
He gets no response. The first Alien looks at his buddy then addresses
the pump again. "Earthling, I said Take me to your leader!"
Still no response. The first Alien then turns to the second and says "If
this Earthling doesn't show me some respect I'm going to blast him!" . The
second Alien replies "O.K. but, I'm just going to stand down on the
next block."
The first Alien looks a little puzzled, but waits for the other to waddle
to the next block. He then addresses the pump a third time. "Earthling
take me to your leader!"
No response. The Alien then pulls out his ray-gun and shoots the pump.
After the explosion the Alien gets up dusts himself off then goes down
the block to his buddy, He then says to the second Alien "If you knew
that was going to happen why didn't you warn me?"
The second replies " I didn't know what was going to happen, but I'm not
going to mess with anyone who's penis can hang to the ground, wrap around
his body twice, and still stick it in his ear!"
Man and a woman had been dating for about a year and their
relationship was taking a turn towards getting serious. Man proposed
and she accepted, however she told him that she wanted him to know
that her chest was just like a baby's. He said that he loved her and
that her measurements didn't matter to him. He also told her that his
penis was also like a baby. She said that she loved him and size
didn't matter. Come the day of the wedding and all went well. That
night the happy couple checked into the honeymoon suite at the resort
hotel. The blushing bride was in the bathroom putting on a sexy
nightie. Her husband was in the bed waiting. As she entered the
bedroom, she reminded him of her confession about her chest being like
a baby. "Don't worry honey" he said. She took her night gown off and
her breasts were the smallest he had ever seen. He said that he was
going to get undressed and reminded her of his confession about his
penis being like a baby. As he took his pants off the new bride said
"Good God All Mighty. I thought you said your penis was like a baby"
"It is" he said "9 pounds and 21 inches long"
This little boy hid in his parents bedroom closet as he wanted to see what
took place in their room when the doors were locked.
As he peeked thru the slats of the closet door he saw his mother and her
boyfriend going at it. Suddenly the boys father comes home. The wife
whisks her boyfriend off into the closet - the same closet her son is in.
After several minutes the boy says to the man, "Boy it's dark in here."
Shocked, the man just nods his head in agreement. After a few more minutes
the boy says "Wanna buy my baseball glove?" The man asks "How much?" In
reply the boy says $50. The man agrees. Several more minutes pass when
the boy asks the man if he'd like to buy his baseball bat for $50 as well.
The man reluctantly agrees.
After the father departs, the woman takes her boyfriend out of the closet,
and too upset too continue she sends him on his way.
The next morning at the breakfast table the little boy pulls out a roll
of money and begins counting it. The mother asks "Where did that come
from?, to which her son replied "Can't say." The mother asks again and
upon his refusal to tell she tells her son to get in the car.
The mother takes the boy to church and tells him to get into the confessional
and tell the priest where he got the money. When the priest slid the
door over the boy said "Boy it's dark in here, to which the priest replied,
"Don't start that shit again!"
One day while on patrol, a police officer pulled over a car for speeding.
He went up to the car and asked the driver to roll down her window.
The first thing he noticed, besides the nice red sports car, was how
hot the driver was! Drop dead blonde, the works.
"I've pulled you over for speeding, Ma'am.... could I see your drivers
license...?"
"...What's a license...???" replied the blonde, instantly giving away
the fact that she was as dumb as a stump..
"It's usually in your wallet..." replied the officer. After fumbling for a
few minutes, the driver managed to find it.
"Now may I see your registration..." asked the cop.
"Registration..... what's that.....?" asked the blonde. "It's
usually in your glove compartment..." said the cop impatiently.
After some more fumbling, she found the registration. "I'll
be back in a minute..." said the cop and walked back to his car.
The officer phoned into the dispatch to run a check on the woman's
license and registration. After a few moments, the dispatcher
came back;
"Ummm.... is this woman driving a red sports car?"
"Yes...." replied the officer
"Is she a drop dead gorgeous blonde?" asked the dispatcher
"Uh... yes" replied the cop.
"Here's what you do...." said the dispatcher. "Give her the stuff
back, and drop your pants..."
"WHAT!!? I can't do that. Its..... inappropriate..." exclaimed the cop.
"Trust me..... just do it...." said the dispatcher.
So the cop goes back to the car, gives back the license and
registration and drops his pants, just as the dispatcher said.
The blonde looks down and sighs..... "Ohh no... not ANOTHER
breathalyzer.."
A Captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a desert outpost. On his
orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out back
of the enlisted men's barracks. He asked the Sergeant leading the tour,
"What's the camel for?".
The Sergeant replied "Well sir it's a long way from anywhere, and the men
have natural sexual urges, so when they do, uh, we have the camel."
The captain said "Well if it's good for moral, then I guess it's all right
with me."
After he had been at the fort for about 6 months the captain could not
stand it any more so he told his Sergeant, "BRING IN THE CAMEL!!!" The
sargeshrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the captains quarters.
The captain got a foot stool & proceeded to have vigorous sex with the
camel. As he stepped, satisfied, down from the stool, and was buttoning his
pants he asked the Sergeant, "Is that how the enlisted men do it?"
The Sergeant replied, "Well sir, they usually just use it to ride into
town."
This young couple got married. On their honeymoon they were very
anxious to consummate the marriage because they were both virgins.
They had saved themselves for the right partner and for marriage.
Because of their sexual inexperience they were a bit uncomfortable
discussing the subject so they came up with the term "doing the laundry"
to use in place of "making love" or "having sex". This made them both
more comfortable with the whole concept.
The first night of their honeymoon was wonderful. They both had many years
of pent up sexual frustration to expend so they "did the laundry" no less
than 5 times that first night and finally fell asleep together completely
exhausted.
In the middle of the night the new husband woke up and he was ready to do
the laundry again. He gently shook his new wife and asked her "can we do
the laundry again?" but she was very tired and all of this new abrasive
activity had taken its toll on her body. She told him that she just
couldn't do it again just yet. Maybe in the morning.
A few hours later the new wife awoke feeling very guilty. Her new
husband had saved himself for her for many years. What he had asked for
wasn't unreasonable and she decided she should go ahead and "do the
laundry" with him again.
She gently shook him and said "honey, I'm sorry I denied you...we can do
the laundry again if you want" and he replied "that's OK.. it was a small
load, I did it by hand."
A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the
bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to
her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for
a while?" To which she responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No,
I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at
them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and
he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him
and apologizes.
She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see,
I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond
to embarrassing situations."
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean
$200?"
During the Religious Education class, Sister Mary asked the 4th Graders.
"All right class, what part of your body do you think goes to heaven first?
Little Johnny is the 1st one with his hand up! "Doris", says Sister Mary,"
why don't you tell us what YOU think is the first part of your body that goes
to Heaven!"
"Well Sister Mary, I think that it is your hands because when we pray-all
hands are pointing to heaven" A very nice answer-Thank You Doris" says
Sister Mary.
"Who wants to go next?" says Sister Mary. Little Johnny has his hand up first
again! Then Sister mary says "Michael- tell the class what part of your body
goes to Heaven first". "Sister Mary, I think that it is our eyes, when we
pray we look at heaven-so it must be the eyes!" "That's another nice
answer-Thank You Michael" Sister Mary comments.
Okay children, we only have time for one more answer. By now Little Johnny is
half standing up and waving his hand high in the air. "All right Johnny, why
don't you tell us what body part YOU feel goes to Heaven first. "It's
definitely your feet Sister. There's no doubt about it!"
"Your feet Johnny? I'm afraid that you are going to have to explain THAT one!
remarks Sister Mary.
"Well Sister, when I walked by my Parent's bedroom, their door was open and I
could see in the room real good. My Mother was laying on her back. Her feet
were HIGH in the air. They were higher than her eyes and they were higher
than her hands. And she was yelling "Lord I'm a 'comin!!!!! And she would
have too, if my Dad wasn't holding her down!!!!!
Once there was a beautiful woman who loved to work in her vegetable
garden, but no matter what she did, she couldn't get her tomatoes to
ripen. Admiring her neighbor's garden, which had beautiful, bright red
tomatoes, she went one day and inquired of him his secret. "It's really
quite simple," the old man explained. "Twice each day, in the morning and
in the evening, I expose myself in front of the tomatoes and they turn
red with embarrassment." Desperate for the perfect garden, she tried
his advice and proceeded to expose herself to her plants, twice daily.
Two weeks passed and her neighbor stopped by to check her progress.
"So," he asked. "Any luck with the tomatoes?" "No," she replied
excitedly..... "But you should see the size of my cucumbers!"
A man traveling by plane and in urgent need to use the men's room is
nervously tapping his foot on the floor of the aircraft. Each time he
tried the men's room door, it was "OCCUPIED". The stewardess, aware of
his predicament suggested that he go ahead and use the ladies room,
but cautioned him against using any of the buttons inside. The buttons
were marked "WW, WA, PP and ATR".
Making the mistake that so many men make in disregarding the importance
of what a woman says, the man let his curiosity get the best of him and
decided to try the buttons anyway.
He carefully pressed the first button marked "WW" and immediately warm
water sprayed all over his entire bottom. He thought, "WOW, the women
really have it made!". Still curious, he pressed the button marked "WA"
and a gentle breeze of warm air quickly dried his hind quarters. He
thought that was out of this world! The button marked "PP" yielded a
large powder puff which delicately applied a soft talc to his rear.
Well, naturally he couldn't resist the last button marked "ATR".
When he woke up in the hospital he panicked and buzzed for the nurse.
When she appeared, he cried out, "What happened to me?! The last
thing I remember is I was in the ladies room on a business trip!" The
nurse replied, "Yes, you were having a great time until you pressed the
"ATR" button which stands for Automatic Tampon Remover.." !!
A ninety-year-old man is sitting on a park bench, sobbing, when a young
man walks by and asks him what's wrong. Through his tears the old man
answers, "I'm in love with a twenty-five-year-old woman."
"What's wrong with that?" asks the young man.
Between his sobs and sniffles, he answers, "You don't understand. Every
morning before she goes to work, we make love... At lunchtime she comes
home and we make love again, and then she makes my favorite meal. In
the afternoon when she gets a break, she rushes home and gives me oral
sex, the best an old man could want. And then at suppertime, and all
night long, we make love." He breaks down, no longer able to speak.
The young man puts his arm around him. "I don't understand. It sounds
like you have the perfect relationship. Why are you crying?"
The senile old man answers, again through his tears, "I forgot where I
live."